THESE ARE REAL, I SWEAR TO GOD....
HELP !!! MY ASS IS TOO SMALL !!!
AUSSIE CENTERFOLD !!!!!!!!!
YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK.....
CAUGHT IN THE ACT !!!!!!!!!!
HOW TO SING THE BLUES...........
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray with help from Uncle Plunky)
1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick
something nasty in the next line: I got a good woman-with the meanest dog
3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then
find something that rhymes. Sort of: Got a good woman with the meanest dog
in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs about 500
4. The blues are not about limitless choice.
5. Blues cars are Chevys and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues
transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a
major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood
means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens.
Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St.
Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. You
cannot have the blues in any place that don't get no rain.
8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. the highway
b. the jail house
c. the empty bed
d. the bottom of a whiskey glass
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. Golf courses
11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you
happen to be an old black man, or unless you slept in it. If you wore a
backwards baseball cap, even one time, you're disqualified for life.
12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied
e. you're older than dirt
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.
d. you have all your teeth
e. the man in Memphis lived.
f. you use a blow-drier.
13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Shania
14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues.
Other blues beverages are:
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water
d. black, black coffee (NO cappuccinos)
Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)
e. sparkling water
15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death.
Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the
electric chair, substance abuse, being denied treatment in an emergency
room, or dying lonely on a broken-down cot. It is not a blues death if you
die during a tennis match or liposuction treatment.
16. Some Blues names for Women
b. Big Mama
17. Some Blues Names for Men
c. Little Willie
Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the
blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
18. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)
a. Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
b. First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi ... well
maybe not "Kiwi")
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match
19. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman with male
pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you're skiing is not the blues.
Breaking your leg cuz an alligator is chomping on it is. Losing your leg to
necritizing fasciitis is not the blues. Losing your leg to a shotgun blast
from yo' woman is.
20. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger
Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also
got a leg up on the blues.
21. I don't care how tragic your life is: you own a computer, you cannot
sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a bottle of Mad Dog spilled on
the keyboard, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on
it. I don't care. Get rid of it. And don't ever sing about it.
Ineffective Daily Affirmations
* I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring
levels of suspicion and paranoia.
* I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones
that are someone else's fault.
* I no longer need to punish, deceive, or compromise myself.
Unless, of course, I want to stay employed.
* In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
* I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have
no personality at all.
* I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those
censorious, self-righteous people around me.
* The first step is to say nice things about myself. The
second, to do nice things for myself. The third, to find
someone to buy me nice things.
* Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into
* Only a lack of imagination saves me from immobilizing myself
with imaginary fears.
* Does my quiet self-pity get to you or should I move up to
* Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for
there are no sweeter words than "I told you so."
* False hope is nicer than no hope at all.
* A good scapegoat is nearly as welcome as a solution to the
* Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day
watching TV. Instead I will move my TV into the bedroom.
* Who can I blame for my own problems? Give me just a
minute... I'll find someone.
* I will find humor in my everyday life by looking for people
I can laugh at.
* The next time the universe knocks on my door, I will pretend
I am not home.
* To have a successful relationship I must learn to make it
look like I'm giving as much as I'm getting.